Not Your Grandmother's American Gladiators

It’s typically only once every four years that I truly invest in a sporting event (FIFA's world cup), but that pattern ended last month when a renaissance of American Gladiators (AG) muscled its way onto my TV and into my heart.

Headlines last Fall of a Gladiators comeback compelled me to actually pinch myself, lest it all be a dream. But when I heard its co-host would be none other than "The Immortal" Hulk Hogan, I knew no mere pinch would suffice, and instead injected three cc's of steroids into my left bicep. When I still didn't wake up, I knew it was the real deal -- and brother, there's been gladiator blood pumping through these pythons ever since!

It became clear within a few minutes of its debut (on Jan 6) that AG Mach II had undergone some changes (since it last aired in 1996), no doubt in an attempt to render the show more palatable to its 21st century audience. The contestants’ human-interest montages, for instance, were noticeably more “reality”-based (and the gladiators’ bodies a bit less so, dare I presume?). But some things never change in Gladiator Arena, like its ability to inspire everyday people to reach down deep, achieve the impossible, and thus become a modern day Russell Crowe.

Take last night's season finale, in which lowly Chicago athletic instructor Evan Dollard and Oregon soccer mom Monica Carlson eliminated The Eliminator to become the show's newest champions. Their prize: $100,000, a new 2008 Toyota Sequoia, the right to become a Gladiator next season and -- most crucially, I think -- the chance to do some serious "hanging and banging" in the gym with The Hulkster.

As for the actual Gladiators, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion heading into this season that none within the new crop could possibly challenge the original season's Malibu (see video below) for the title of "coolest gladiator ever". Nonetheless, the 2008 generation has certainly impressed. Heading the pack, without question, is the 6'4" 225-lb Wolf (pictured above). A perfect hybrid of carnivorous beast and gifted showman, Wolf particular excels in Hang Tough, in which he consistently "claws and paws" his prey, thus inflicting them with "the mange", but not before he first makes them -- as The Hulkster so eloquently put in last night -- swing around "like a monkey who couldn’t find a banana anywhere in the jungle".

Season Two can't come soon enough...



Mike-Michael (not pictured) fills in the gaps for brumpelstiltskin and Mic's Tape; he's as uncommitted to a topic as he is a first name.