Everybody's Got a Price for the GOP

Now that John McCain (right) has all but sewn up the ’08 Republican nomination—a development made all the more official by last Wednesday’s blessing from President Bush—much of the media’s attention has turned to whom the Arizona Senator will select as his running mate.

Well, in a Mic’s Tape exclusive, it is my [Michail’s] distinct privilege to reveal that a source close to Brumpelstilskin (code name: “DSMUN”) has unearthed a bombshell of a leaked McCain campaign memo, which he has, in turn, handed over to us. An excerpt from the memo, dated 3.12.08, reads quote: “It is our [the McCain campaign’s] firm intention to secure the acceptance of former WWF superstar [name blacked out] as VP running mate by Sunday latest”.

A WWF superstar? Wow! Who could this masked man be? Is he, in fact, “masked” (like the Repo Man)? While it's unclear exactly what the McCain campaign is cooking, our sources clearly specify a WWF superstar, so we can detect with some certainty that the unnamed VP does not "smell" of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (who made his name, largely, in WWE—which the WWF, in sheepish deference to the world wildlife federation, morphed into circa 2002). With that in mind, we in BS have sat down and drawn up the following short list (presented in reverse order) of which WWF superstars we feel would best serve McCain (and our country):

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#4: Robert Remus (aka Sgt Slaughter):

Since Mr McCain himself served for our country (in Vietnam), some might call it overkill to select the likewise decorated Sgt Slaughter, but it’s tough to argue against the latter’s resume, which boasts something McCain’s does not: a successful “governing” tenure (as WWF commissioner from 1997-98).

Moreover, since Mr McCain has, more than any other issue, staked his campaign on the success of the Iraq "surge" and standing by the Iraqis for another 100 years if necessary, it seems fitting that he consider a man who, as evidenced by his 1990 decision to hire Iraqi General Adnan as his manager, was way ahead of the curve in supporting firm US-Iraqi relations—so far ahead, in fact, that he did so during the first gulf war before the Iraqis were even our friends! A word of caution, though: said strength could be misconstrued. Especially if the wrong evidence (like this must-see footage of Slaughter and Adnan denouncing all-American hero Ultimate Warrior) were to fall into the hands of a McCain opponent (like Ann Coulter), in which case accusations of "traitor" and swift boat style attacks on Slaughter's patriotism are sure to follow suit.

#3. Jesse "The Body/Mind" Ventura:

As alluded to above, Mr McCain has (politically) always been a legislator (i.e., Senator or Congressman); and, in such cases, it’s been fairly typical for the candidate to select as VP a former Governor from a state he might not otherwise have contested in. That said, who better for Mr McCain than Jesse Ventura, former Governor of (traditionally blue) Minnesota?

I can picture it now: a VP Ventura stepping into the Senate chamber for the first time, saying "I used to be known for my body and mind, but now I'll be known for my wrist", and then—BAM!—slamming his gavel with a sheerness of force that not even Dick Cheney's rifle could muster. That said, Mr Ventura does have at least one skeleton in his closet, aka his metroflexual period, which if exposed is unlikely to poll well with less tolerant members of the Republican base.

#2. Mark Calaway (aka The Undertaker):

Once upon a time our source for this story, DSMUN, by chance met The Undertaker in the first-class waiting area of an airport, and was asked: "Do you have any thoughts of becoming a mortician"? (true story). A better question, perhaps, is whether The Undertaker has any thoughts of becoming a politician. If chosen by McCain he would no doubt be a political novice. But as a five-time former World Champion and holder of the longest undefeated streak (15-0) in Wrestlemania history, the “Lord of Darkness” is used to delivering on the big stage. And friends, the stage doesn't get any bigger than November 4, 2008.

What’s more, Calaway (aka "The Phenom") has often said that "there’s nary a soul in existence—including Death himself—who doesn't quiver in fear at the prospect of my patented Tombstone Piledriver". For the 72yo McCain, who some speculate could "die in office", the Tombstone might be just the insurance policy he's looking for.

1. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase:

Two sources of concern for the Republicans' chances this November surround: (a) prospects that Mr McCain will be outspent by his Democratic opponents; and (b) his shaky relationship with Evangelical Christians. With that in mind, it is our opinion within Brumpelstilskin that the ideal running mate is "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase (pictured below, with McCain).

First off, the guy had enough money to buy (that's right, buy) the WWF championship from Andre the Giant in 1988. Thus, clearly the man could single-handedly out fundraise Obama, Clinton and f*cking Jerry Lewis combined. Secondly, since retiring from professional wrestling, Mr Dibiase has become an ordained Christian minister (true story; details here). John McCain with a man of the cloth as his running mate? Put that in your pipe, Mr Dobson!

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In conclusion, may I just add that we've omitted the biggest name in the biz—"The Immortal" Hulk Hogan—for a reason. Namely, he's already officially endorsed a member of the Democratic party, Barack Obama. Moreover, should Mr Obama win his party's nomination, there is strong evidence (see the apparent campaign ad, below, leaked recently onto YouTube) that he may choose Hogan as his running mate.



Should the above come to fruition, November's outcome is obvious: Game. Set. Match. Point. Obama/Hogan.

So what'cha gonna do, McCain?