Crime and Matrimony

What follows is perhaps the final chapter in the bildungsroman of a protagonist formerly cloaked under the moniker of a "certain (unnamed) member of brumpelstiltskin"; who I'd intended to refer to herein as Mikhail Fyodorovich Brumbelmazov; but who, since he recently chose to reveal his true identity, I shall begrudgingly refer to sans nom de plume as Mike-Michael.

But before I do any such thing, I must first digress into a brief discussion of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. Said novel begins with its main character, Raskolnikov, contemplating the following plan: entering the apartment of an unattractive, loathsome, disgusting, miserly, wicked, old "crone" of a woman (a pawnbroker by trade); divorcing her from existence (i.e., murdering her); stealing her money and other valuable pawned items (e.g., jewelry); and then redistributing said riches to the poor.

During this stage of premeditation, Raskolnikov reflects on why most crimes are so easily solved, and decides it is because the perpetrator "experiences at the moment of the crime a sort of failure of will and reason, which, on the contrary, are replaced by a phenomenal, childish thoughtlessness, just at the moment when reason and prudence are most necessary". In contrast, Raskolnikov considers himself a cut above the common criminal, and thus immune to such weak-kneed witlessness.

But in the heat of the moment, when Raskolnikov finally carries out this act, his once-steely self-assurance melts away:

A dark, tormenting thought [rose] in him—the thought that he had fallen into madness and was unable at that moment either to reason or to protect himself, and that he was perhaps not doing at all what he should have been doing ... 'My God! I must run, run away!'

With that said, I now return to our main character, Mike-Michael, who, not two months ago, found himself contemplating this plan: entering the apartment of a beautiful, lovable, charming, giving, angelic, young "gem" of a woman (a social worker by trade)—not with the intent of murder, to be sure, but certainly with an "M" word in mind—and temporarily stealing a specific, rather invaluable article of jewelry (a ring).

Much like Raskolnikov, as Mike-Michael entered the scene of his crime, he felt presumptuously, even arrogantly, confident not only in the inevitable success of his venture, but also in the careful and collected precision with which he would execute it. But also like Raskolnikov, Mike-Michael's aplomb and self-assurance would prove short-lived.

No sooner had he entered the apartment—by means of a spare key he'd cunningly secured beforehand—than a pang of tormenting questions struck his senses: Was the door deadbolted when he arrived, or had he only unlocked the knob? Which way should he lock it upon departing? What if he guessed wrong? How could he make such a crass mistake‽

From there a virtual deluge of doubts poured forth: Had he wiped his boots well enough? What if he left behind incriminating footprints? Where was the jewelry box? What if she noticed that a ring was missing from it? What if the cat noticed that a ring was missing from it? Why was he acting like a thoughtless child? Where had his reason gone? Should he run away?

Fortunately, and somewhat miraculously, our "hero" was able to pull himself together and pull off the heist undetected. But alas, it would all be for naught. For just as Raskolnikov's crime proved to be in vain—he ended up burying his stolen goods in a courtyard rather than selling them off to benefit the poor—so too did Mike-Michael's crime fail to serve its intended purpose.

Namely, later that evening, when he placed the ring atop a glass counter and triumphantly stated, "I think this should answer the question at hand," his jeweler gave it a quick examination before very politely and delicately inquiring: "Do you happen to know what hand she wears this on? Or which finger? One of her...thumbs, perhaps?"

Indeed, it was a thumb ring he had stolen. But by the grace of Don, he still managed to secure the right-sized ring. And by the grace of God, when he presented this ring—a new ring—to her, she said "Yes".

In other words, Mike-Michael is engaged.