So, feeling particularly inspired by Gustaf’s recent post on "brain food", I decided to buy some antioxidant-laden berries during a recent trip to the food store on Tuesday night. (Yeah, that’s right, I called it a “food store”—do you wanna fight about it?) Anyway, lo and behold, there they were: blackberries, on sale for $1.99. I picked up a carton, sized it up, liked what I saw, and nonchalantly placed it into my grocery cart (into the upper "basket" area by the handle). But alas, it seems my placement was a little
too nonchalant as the carton immediately fell out the back of the cart and onto the floor:
Upon impact, the carton popped open, berries flew everywhere, pandemonium ensued. My 1st reaction was to giggle and look around nervously to see if there were any witnesses (there weren't). My 2nd reaction was to realize I had quite the crisis of conscience on my hands. I could...
a) Put a canvas bag over my head and run out of the store with identity concealed and dignity intact.
b) Grab a new container and continue shopping as if the whole thing never happened only to become wracked with guilt a few minutes later when a voice got on the PA to request "cleanup in produce".
c) Go ask the high school kid working at the deli what I should do, and be told: "Screw 'em, man, s*** happens".
d) Get on my knees, put the fallen berries back in the carton, buy them, wash them ridiculously thoroughly with water, and eat them.
Which option do you think I chose? What would you have done?
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14 comments:
I would just inform someone that I spilled them. On the point of berries, they really aren't in season right now so I would have waited until summer and gotten a more appropriate fruit.
Oh, ‘not seasonally appropriate’. Oh, I say, we are grand, aren't we? ‘Oh, oh, no blackberries or buttered scones for me, Garçon, I'm off to play the grand piano whilst eating seasonally appropriate produce. Oh, and pardon me, Garçon, but would you mind opening my parasol for me as it’s a tad unseasonably warm today, don’t you think? Not as unseasonable as playing croquet in January or eating blackberries in late February, of course, but unseasonable all the same’.
"Hello, this is Mr. Two-Face, how can I help you?" "I am the founder of Recyclopedia and wanted to find out why you are an adamant promoter of recycling and reusing products while destroying others through unsustainable consumption habits." "Up yours you Canuck bastard."
Oh, ‘unsustainable consumption habits’? “Oh, oh, pardon me Mr Grocer, but my name is Mr One-Face, Esq., and I wish to inform you that I have ‘sustainable consumption habits’ but, dear me, I seem to have spilled some ‘seasonably appropriate fruit’ onto the floor. Pray, sir, could you send one of your boys around to sweep it up and place it in the dustbin for me? You see, it’s locally grown, and so few resources were destroyed in transporting it here, that I see no problem in letting this sullied albeit salvageable fruit go to complete waste simply because I’d rather not stoop to washing it upon returning to my solar-paneled summer residence out by the polo grounds”.
I thought you were waiting a day to see if anyone else is as pathetic as us.
what's happening?...I eat berries in winter, too. Berries are a great source of fiber and fiber is necessary all year long.
Fiber helps me poop!
Was DMX ever any good? I just heard one of his songs (Party Up) on Gone in 60 Seconds. I think it's a cool song, but about a year ago a friend of mine hopped in my car, heard DMX playing, and then chastised me. Even now, I'm embarrassed that I own multiple DMX CDs*. I've taken them out of my Buick's** CD case and moved them into a less perused case deep within the bowels of my apartment. Should I throw them away?
*Yes, I grew up on a farm. Yes, I'm now 24 years old. **Yes, I drive a Buick. I do listen to rap, almost exclusively. Don't judge me!
Oh, so what did you do with the berries?
Phil, I grew up in Council Bluffs, IA, I am 30 years old and I listen to my fair share of Hip Hop. Be proud, and rejoice in your cultural diversity!
Also, I did like DMX, but then I heard that he was involved with dog fighting. So DMX is now off my playlist!
You really should be making your own yogurt in a bucket under your bed. It's the only truly "environmentally friendly" thing to consume in Iowa in winter. And even then, the yogurt should be made from the milk of goats you keep in your yard.
I'm going to guess you asked a nearby employee, as that quote seems authentic.
Whoa. You and Axe are nuts.
I would've told the kid at the deli.
Actually, it seems like Messirs. One- and Two-Face were never Boy Scouts, as the BSA have a quite rigid protocol in place should calamitous and highly-effective berry-distribution occur.
The first thing to remember is that the berries are just as scared of you as you are of them. This means you're going to need shelter. As any good scout will remember, winter berries are deathly afraid (or perhaps jealous) of potatoes. That bin of russets on the endcap should provide adequate protection until help arrives.
Whew. You're safe for now, however the crisis is far from over. Looking down to the floor, you see that the berries have reassembled and are now constructing asparagus ladders to scale your potato fortification. Now it's time to be creative. You need to find some way to signal for help. The most tempting course of action, in this case, is to grab a russet and huck it at the punk deli kid. However this is a mistake, as everyone knows that berries are incensed at the site of flying russets. Your better option would be to supply yourself with ammunition from the bin of yukon golds adjacent to your current position, as everyone knows berries are a) colorblind and b) quite stupid when it comes to prospecting and mineral speculation, and thus likely to believe you're actually hurling hunks of gold from atop Russet Peak.
Once the berries have scattered to collect your far-flung "treasure," you're free to make your escape. An especially astute scout of virtue-true will recognize that the punk deli kid is now screaming because those russets you started throwing earlier have splashed into the deep-fryer, spraying the deli kid's forearms and face with burning oil. Offering him a ride to the hospital is optional.
You know what I would have done?
Written a blog post about it.
Wahzah!
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