The Price is Wrong, Bitch

As the human sibling of 11 (count 'em!) illegitimate feline brothers and sisters (of whom 36% are pictured left), I have firsthand experience with the profound ramifications of cat overpopulation.

For starters, there are the inevitable ribbings from friends that result as a corollary of Tigue's Law, which states that "as the number of cats that one adopts approaches ten, the probability that each new cat's name will be utterly ridiculous approaches one". (Just ask my younger brother, "Window Scratcher".)

Then there's the price. According to the ASPCA website, the average CPC (cost-per-cat) is $1035 for the first year and $670 for each year thereafter. Even if you remove all "luxury" expenses (i.e., toys/treats, health insurance, collars, scratching posts, carrier bags, and "misc."), you're still looking at $440/yr on food, litter and recurring medical expenses (plus an extra $280 during Year 1 on vaccinations, etc.). Given that the average lifespan of an indoor-only cat is 15 years, even under the second "luxury-free" scenario, a typical cat will cost $6880.

But there's more to this topic than monikers and money. Just a few weeks ago, amid an impulsive web search, I was unexpectedly struck—like a cat scratch—by the discovery that the scientific community has in recent years gone absolutely b.a.n.a.n.a.s. for felines. For the fever of curiosity that ensued, I knew the only prescription was to sink my teeth into the the first article I could get my hands on: "A review of feral cat control," written by Dr Sheilah Robertson of the University of Florida, and soon to be published by JFMS (that's The Journal of Feline Medicine and Surgery for you lay people).

Dr Robertson begins her review by defining the "feral" cat. Unlike my 11 siblings—who are among the estimated 90m "owned/pet" cats in the US—feral cats are not fortunate enough to be cared for by empathetic humans like my parents. Though sometimes defined in the literature simply as "escaped domestic cats gone wild" (aka the lost and abandoned), in truth the feral population also includes a massive subset who were never domesticated to begin with (e.g., barn and alley cats). While some rely on humans for varying degrees of food and shelter, they are all by definition free-roaming, and there are an astounding 25-100m of them in the US alone.

In her review Dr Robertson also details six main issues in the feral cat debate: (1) public health and zoonotic disease; (2) spread of disease to other species; (3) spread of disease to "pet" cats; (4) effects on local wildlife and ecosystems; (5) public nuisance (e.g., "the noise they make, fecal contamination and their presence around restaurants, cafes and other public places"); and last but certainly not least, (6) the welfare of the cats themselves.

The article also discusses potential solutions to this issue, but that will have to wait until a future post. In the meantime, for a clue, click here.

(This is the first installment in a planned two-part series)

A Punchup at a Wedding (No No No No No No!)

Barack Obama (Apr 6 in San Francisco; original story here; Obama's clarification here):

You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them," Obama said. "And they fell through the Clinton Administration, and the Bush Administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations

Hilary Clinton (Apr 12 in Indianapolis):



Thom Yorke (of Radiohead, circa 2003-2004; full lyrics here):



"The pointless snide remarks
Of hammer-headed sharks
The pot will call the kettle black
It's a drunken punch-up at a wedding, yeah"

FICO Matters

Thinking about money management can be a sh*tty business, but it can also have profound effects on our lives. As the Dickens character Mr McCawber (from David Copperfield) put it:

Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and six pence, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds and six pence, result misery

In the quest for personal financial freedom, there are numerous weapons at our disposal, and notable among this arsenal is the double-edged sword known as the credit card. Why double-edged? On one hand, its usage can yield reward points and cash back; allow us to pay for “big ticket” items in monthly installments (rather than one lump sum); and make us more attractive to future moneylenders. On the other hand, though, it can unleash monstrous interest payments; lure us to purchase items we don’t really need and can’t really afford; and make us less attractive to future lenders. For these latter reasons, my financial mentor (code name: “TG”) once told me:

You should use debit cards instead of credit cards unless you pay the bill in full religiously every month. If not get out the scissors.

That said, I initially charge about 30% of my expenditures to credit cards (largely on gas and groceries using this mamma jamma), so it’s definitely not my intention to scare anyone away from them. Rather, my goal is to shed a little light on how they can affect our “FICO” (aka credit) score.

F.I.C.O., which is named for Fair, Issac & Co. (the company who created it), is a number (in the 300-850 range) that indicates one’s “credit worthiness”. In other words, moneylenders (of car loans and home mortgages, etc.) perceive people with high credit scores as likelier to repay what they borrow—and thus more trustworthy. As a consequence, people with higher scores are more likely not only to qualify for a loan in the first place, but also to pay a lower interest rate on the loan they receive (which can save a lot of $ over time).

Since it can clearly pay off to maintain a high FICO score, it's helpful to know how one is actually calculated. To help answer this question, I turned to the folks at The Motley Fool and Bankrate. As it turns out, there are but five major criteria:

1. Past payment history (35%):
• Consistently paying your bill on time will help you immensely; late payments (esp. by 30 days or more) will not.
2. Amount owed (30%):
• As one's outstanding balance creeps nearer to one's credit limit (aka closer to "maxing out"), one's FICO score creeps downward.
• Note: this is where the wisdom of paying your bill in full each month really shines through (not to mention the costly finance charges that doing so prevents).
3. Length of credit history (15%):
• The longer your history, the higher your score.
4. Mix of credit (10%):
   
• FICO rewards borrowers with both unsecured/revolving loans (e.g., credit cards) and secured/installment loans (e.g., car loans and home mortgages).
5. New credit applications (10%):
   
• A lot of inquiries (specifically, those resulting from applications for new credit) in a short amount of time can lower your score.

Admittedly, this is pretty dry stuff, and can thus be difficult to remember. Lucky for us, though, Brumpelstiltskin's very own Mickens has composed the following limerick to help keep it all straight:

Card Payments Too Often Belated,
Limits Maxed But Never Abated,
A History Quite Short,
Plus Inquiries For Sport,
And No Mix Makes F.I.C.O. Low Rated

In conclusion, if you're wondering how to go about about checking your FICO score, I've got great news for you: doing so is easy and free. Namely, the 2003 Fair and Accurate Credit Transactions (FACT) Act "requires each of the nationwide consumer reporting companies — Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion — to provide you with a free copy of your credit report, at your request, once every 12 months". You can do so online any time via this website.

Greenspanke (left) is finance minister for Mic's Tape and manages a separate Quicken file for each member of Brumpelstiltskin

Into the Mystic

I'm quite certain that the most beautiful song I've ever heard is on Van Morrison's Astral Weeks. I just don't know which one it is ("Cyprus Avenue" or "Madame George").

Originally released in 1968, the above first came into my hands eight or nine years ago, and has since aged better than any other record in my collection. That said, with the exception of Moondance (1970), it wasn't until fairly recently that I dove headlong into the rest of Morrison's discography.

Part of my delay, no doubt, stemmed from the fact that much of Morrison's "best" work ('68-74) proved curiously difficult to find in shops. Fortunately, two recent developments have opened the floodgates: in Fall '07 iTunes struck a deal to distribute his collection digitally while in January Polydor/Universal commenced its re-release of 29 post-1970 albums in remastered format.

To take a step back, it bears mentioning that Morrison (above), born in Northern Ireland in 1945, first made waves as frontman for Them, a "British"-invasion band whose 1964 (self-written) song "Gloria"—later covered to great effect by Patti Smith among others—continues to stand up as a truly formative component of the rock single's lineage. Coupled with 1967's "Brown-Eyed Girl", released as a solo act at age 21, Morrison's early (albeit isolated) triumphs were alone sufficient to cement a legacy.

But it is his albums that truly separate Morrison, and none more so than Astral Weeks, a set of eight songs virtually unmatched in its cohesiveness (and available for a mere $5.95 on iTunes). Recorded in just three sessions, it is a lush, vibrant mixture of acoustic guitar, improvisational jazz rhythms, and delicate Celtic flutes and reeds—arched all of it by deeply personal lyrical evocations of Morrison’s Belfast youth. And yet despite this personal nature, the record inexplicably manages to somehow seem universally nostalgic. Indeed, there is no set of songs that more effectively recollects my own adolescent experiences in Lake George, NY: cherished memories of summery simplicity in a world filled with wind and waves against trees and rocks, contemplation and conversation, guitar and radio (but never television).

As I continue through his works, I have basked in the ethereal flute-driven "Country Fair" (closer of 1974's majestically pastoral Veedon Fleece) and reveled in the infectious jubilation of (the 1978 title track) “Wavelength”. In the process, a thought began to take shape: a thought given form by no less an authority than Bob Dylan. According allmusic.com, Dylan once said (in reference to Morrison’s 1971 country-tinged ballad “Tupelo Honey”) "that [the song] has always existed and that Morrison was merely the vessel and the earthly vehicle for it".

A quote from the man himself further fleshed out this thought of mine. As cited in Into The Music by Richie Yorke, Morrison has humbly claimed that:

['Madame George'] just came right out...The song is just a stream of consciousness thing, as is 'Cyprus Avenue'...I didn't even think about what I was writing.

Indeed, it just seems that this is the type of music that can strengthen one's faith in a higher power who guides us if only we open our ears to listen.

What the Fricassee?

As someone who makes his living in the kitchen, it has never been my plight to confront the “bring-or-buy” (lunch) dilemma. But if the oven was not my office—and I could no longer, say, bake fresh donuts for my midday meal—I would do two things: first, I would buy one of those (pictured below); and second, I would pack the skita out of it (pardon my Swedish).

Why would I pack my lunch? For one thing, the difference between spending $3/day for "sack lunch" groceries v $5/day for eating out—probably a conservative daily differential—would over the course of a year save you $500. If some bloke started doing this back in 1988, and invested his savings at 4% interest, he would've saved enough by 2006 to pay off his kid's first year at the average US four-year public college. (Granted, you may not think about things quite in this way, but you might if you'd put as many buns in the oven as I have ;)

Otherwise, though, why pay for something you could make yourself using fresher, cheaper ingredients? If pressed for time, try something quick and easy. Like what? Glad you asked. I would suggest PB&J, but that can get complicated (I still remember that damn culinary school lecture: "One knife, jelly first; Two knives, doesn't matter"). Rather, I recommend (highly) the chicken salad sandwich. Seriously: chicken + celery + mayonnaise + mystery ingredients = taste euphoria! And you'll only need one knife, I promise.

But before you rush headlong into anything, take heed. According to Helena Echlin at Chow.com, if you're looking to climb the corporate ladder, you might be better off pawning that lunch box in favor of daily delivery from the local sushi bar (see article here). As Helena says: "You shouldn’t bring lunch, because that could suggest you’re not completely focused on your work. People will know that you chose to spoon chicken fricassee into a container rather than get to the office five minutes earlier". Nonetheless, if sending this "lack of focus" signal is a risk you're willing to take, I say go for it.


Gustaf (pictured left) is head chef at Mic's Tape and Brumpelstiltskin's resident aficionado of food and drink.

Everybody's Got a Price for the GOP

Now that John McCain (right) has all but sewn up the ’08 Republican nomination—a development made all the more official by last Wednesday’s blessing from President Bush—much of the media’s attention has turned to whom the Arizona Senator will select as his running mate.

Well, in a Mic’s Tape exclusive, it is my [Michail’s] distinct privilege to reveal that a source close to Brumpelstilskin (code name: “DSMUN”) has unearthed a bombshell of a leaked McCain campaign memo, which he has, in turn, handed over to us. An excerpt from the memo, dated 3.12.08, reads quote: “It is our [the McCain campaign’s] firm intention to secure the acceptance of former WWF superstar [name blacked out] as VP running mate by Sunday latest”.

A WWF superstar? Wow! Who could this masked man be? Is he, in fact, “masked” (like the Repo Man)? While it's unclear exactly what the McCain campaign is cooking, our sources clearly specify a WWF superstar, so we can detect with some certainty that the unnamed VP does not "smell" of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (who made his name, largely, in WWE—which the WWF, in sheepish deference to the world wildlife federation, morphed into circa 2002). With that in mind, we in BS have sat down and drawn up the following short list (presented in reverse order) of which WWF superstars we feel would best serve McCain (and our country):

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#4: Robert Remus (aka Sgt Slaughter):

Since Mr McCain himself served for our country (in Vietnam), some might call it overkill to select the likewise decorated Sgt Slaughter, but it’s tough to argue against the latter’s resume, which boasts something McCain’s does not: a successful “governing” tenure (as WWF commissioner from 1997-98).

Moreover, since Mr McCain has, more than any other issue, staked his campaign on the success of the Iraq "surge" and standing by the Iraqis for another 100 years if necessary, it seems fitting that he consider a man who, as evidenced by his 1990 decision to hire Iraqi General Adnan as his manager, was way ahead of the curve in supporting firm US-Iraqi relations—so far ahead, in fact, that he did so during the first gulf war before the Iraqis were even our friends! A word of caution, though: said strength could be misconstrued. Especially if the wrong evidence (like this must-see footage of Slaughter and Adnan denouncing all-American hero Ultimate Warrior) were to fall into the hands of a McCain opponent (like Ann Coulter), in which case accusations of "traitor" and swift boat style attacks on Slaughter's patriotism are sure to follow suit.

#3. Jesse "The Body/Mind" Ventura:

As alluded to above, Mr McCain has (politically) always been a legislator (i.e., Senator or Congressman); and, in such cases, it’s been fairly typical for the candidate to select as VP a former Governor from a state he might not otherwise have contested in. That said, who better for Mr McCain than Jesse Ventura, former Governor of (traditionally blue) Minnesota?

I can picture it now: a VP Ventura stepping into the Senate chamber for the first time, saying "I used to be known for my body and mind, but now I'll be known for my wrist", and then—BAM!—slamming his gavel with a sheerness of force that not even Dick Cheney's rifle could muster. That said, Mr Ventura does have at least one skeleton in his closet, aka his metroflexual period, which if exposed is unlikely to poll well with less tolerant members of the Republican base.

#2. Mark Calaway (aka The Undertaker):

Once upon a time our source for this story, DSMUN, by chance met The Undertaker in the first-class waiting area of an airport, and was asked: "Do you have any thoughts of becoming a mortician"? (true story). A better question, perhaps, is whether The Undertaker has any thoughts of becoming a politician. If chosen by McCain he would no doubt be a political novice. But as a five-time former World Champion and holder of the longest undefeated streak (15-0) in Wrestlemania history, the “Lord of Darkness” is used to delivering on the big stage. And friends, the stage doesn't get any bigger than November 4, 2008.

What’s more, Calaway (aka "The Phenom") has often said that "there’s nary a soul in existence—including Death himself—who doesn't quiver in fear at the prospect of my patented Tombstone Piledriver". For the 72yo McCain, who some speculate could "die in office", the Tombstone might be just the insurance policy he's looking for.

1. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase:

Two sources of concern for the Republicans' chances this November surround: (a) prospects that Mr McCain will be outspent by his Democratic opponents; and (b) his shaky relationship with Evangelical Christians. With that in mind, it is our opinion within Brumpelstilskin that the ideal running mate is "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase (pictured below, with McCain).

First off, the guy had enough money to buy (that's right, buy) the WWF championship from Andre the Giant in 1988. Thus, clearly the man could single-handedly out fundraise Obama, Clinton and f*cking Jerry Lewis combined. Secondly, since retiring from professional wrestling, Mr Dibiase has become an ordained Christian minister (true story; details here). John McCain with a man of the cloth as his running mate? Put that in your pipe, Mr Dobson!

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In conclusion, may I just add that we've omitted the biggest name in the biz—"The Immortal" Hulk Hogan—for a reason. Namely, he's already officially endorsed a member of the Democratic party, Barack Obama. Moreover, should Mr Obama win his party's nomination, there is strong evidence (see the apparent campaign ad, below, leaked recently onto YouTube) that he may choose Hogan as his running mate.



Should the above come to fruition, November's outcome is obvious: Game. Set. Match. Point. Obama/Hogan.

So what'cha gonna do, McCain?

Feel the Vibration!

Drinking coffee laced with vodka. Transferring to the University of Wisconsin. Throwing (and breaking) desk chairs against the dorm room wall. Spraying me in the face with a water bottle. Clawing my flesh.


The above actions have one thing in common: all were performed by various roommates I lived with in college (one of whom, I should mention, was a cat). Moreover, they were all arguably (and one undeniably) linked to the same precipitating factor: their roommate’s inability to get himself out of bed in the morning.

I was a snoozer all right, a snoozer who snoozed ad snoreum. But that was before I met the “Shake Awake” vibrating alarm clock.

Imagine, if you will, the faultless design of a lovable 1x4x3 inch alarm that nestles inconspicuously beneath your pillow while you sleep and dependably wakes you each morning; not with maddening, ear-piercing shrieks of sounds, but with firm yet impeccably gentle nudges of vibration. Minus a lover or pet, does a more appealing bed partner exist? I think not. And this one only costs ~ $30!

I’m not saying the Shake Awake is perfect; I’m just saying I haven’t seen any evidence to prove that it isn’t. Sure, there are some muckrakers out there who’ll try to tell you differently. Like John Crooks, a UK man who, in a recent interview with the Formby Times, whined and opined that his “Shake Awake alarm only worked if [he] didn't move [his] head off the pillow at night.” First off, who’s gonna trust someone with that dishonest of a surname? Secondly, even if this obvious slander were true, is it the Shake Awake's fault that Mr Crooks can't keep still at night?

Some people say I’m defensive about the Shake Awake, but they’re wrong (and witless). If anything, my behavior is offensive. Can I help it that I’m passionate about feeling the vibration, and that I’m ready to get aggressive so that others can wake up to this sweet sensation, too? In other words, as Marky Mark (Wahlberg) so funkily (and prophetically) once put it:

Vibrations good like Sunkist / Many wanna know who done this
[Shake Awake] and I'm here to move you / [3000 dimes] will groove you
And I'm here to prove to you / That we can [wake up] on the positive side
And pump positive vibes / So come along for the ride
Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation / So feel the vibration!

In conclusion (and in earnest), if standard alarms aren't your bag, or if your current setup tends to wake up your roommate, seriously consider checking this thing out.